Generally speaking, the world is a terrible place filled with wretched injustice everywhere you turn. And, if I understand my television and local editorial board correctly, it has only gotten worse since the passage of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (aka ObamaCare aka The Single Worst Crime the US Government has Ever Committed Against Its Citizens including McCarthyism, the Japanese Internment Camps, and counting some human beings as only 3/5ths a person, combined). However, many of these injustices have been rallied against.
The Salvation Army collects clothes and raises money for those less fortunate (all while discriminating against those nefarious gay folk), the Boy Scouts keep America’s parks and streets clean and give tired motorists free coffee (while keeping gay men and boys the hell out of their group…notice a theme), and so on. As a people, we have taken on poverty, illness, racism, ageism, sexism, and the nefarious notion that rap-rock is “music.” But one injustice remains wildly unchecked.
"Man, I'm no doctor, but them being that color can just not be good."
Truck Nuts.
I know, I know. To look at them is to weep. Not just for ourselves but for the future of our formerly great country (U.S.A: July 4, 1776- March 23, 2010).
But look we must! We cannot ignore this creepy evil any longer. Sexy lady silhouette mud-flacks? Sure! Bootlegged images of Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes fame, and the upcoming “Calvin: Solo” comic series) peeing on a Chevy or Dodge or Ford logo? Hysterical violations of copyright law! Those “Keep honking, I’m reloading” bumper stickers? Not the least bit disconcerting!
But Truck Nuts? I say thee nay!
I mean…why? You know? You own a truck, you are obviously uber masculine (or American, or whatever it is the Truck Nut thing is meant to address). None of us are questioning that. The hemi, the 33 tires, the 6 mpg’s all make a solid point on their own. You don’t need the Nuts. Seriously.
For one thing, isn’t your vehicle entitled to a little modesty? Yes, that set your F-150 has swinging below its bed is impressive and perhaps worth bragging about. But sometimes, don’t you get the feeling that the truck would be just as happy to prove its worth via its towing power or ability to help your buddy move into his new condo? Don’t you think it’d like to be judged by what it can do, not by the plastic items you affixed to it one Sunday afternoon because you saw someone else with them and thought that it’d be “so funny”? Trust me, I talked to your truck…it’s all sorts of ashamed about this.
Also, we live in a world where the briefest glimpse of Janet Jackson’s breast brought millions of dollars of fines down on two networks and ensured that we will see nothing but aging rock acts at the Super Bowl for years to come. As Americans, we get in a snit if someone drops an f-bomb during an award show, at 10:15 at night because, DEAR GOD THINK OF THE CHILDREN. But simulated testicles? A-ok! Remember what’s hanging next to your exhaust when teachers try to educate your kids about the human reproductive system and think about which is actually anywhere approaching inappropriate.
Finally though, is this: it’s stupid. Really, really stupid. Not cool. Not funny. Just dumb.
(In fairness to the Truck Nuts’ fans out there though, I will say this: the idea that some states either have banned them or are seeking to ban them is equally stupid. They are awful, awful, awful things whose inventor should feel just layers of shame for creating them, but they are hardly worth legislating. 600+ word columns, yes! Legislation, no.)