[This post was originally published on The Living Room Tumblr.]
Upping the ante from my “Stapleton Civil War” and “North Stapleton secession” articles for the Stapletonion (our local Onion-style satirical newspaper), I have an article in this week’s issue about fears that the kerfuffle over middle-school admissions may trigger a nuclear arms race in northeast Denver. Because, yet again, when helicopter parents are denied a marginally preferable educational situation and forced into a still-very-good educational situation, THIS MEANS WAR. 🙂
(Obligatory humor-killing caveat: I recognize that both Stapleton and Park Hill parents have real and legitimate concerns, and as a father of three young kids myself, I certainly respect their passion about getting their children the best education. My intention is NOT to suggest that the whole argument is illegitimate, but merely to introduce a bit of much-needed levity to the situation. Anyway…)
The Stapletonion’s standard format calls for longer and denser paragraphs than my typical news-writing style, so as a result, there are a couple of edits in the published version that I didn’t love. Therefore, I’m posting a “de-edited” version below for your enjoyment and perusal.
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DENVER—Amid concern that tensions over McAuliffe International School admission priorities could escalate into a wider conflict, Park Hill community leaders insisted Monday that their neighborhood’s uranium enrichment program is for peaceful purposes only.
“We are not building a nuclear bomb,” said Jon Mason, president of the Greater Park Hill Community Association. “We just want an independent power source in case the Xcel grid goes down for some reason. Like, say, if it gets overloaded with ‘smug’ from all the solar panels in Stapleton.”
Experts fear, however, that Park Hill’s nuclear ambitions could trigger an arms race, with Stapleton seeking to build a bomb next, followed perhaps by Lowry, Montclair and Hale.
Recent conversations on Nextdoor have fueled worries about Park Hill’s possible ulterior motives. For instance, Park Hill resident Janet Kamienski, whose fifth-grader was unable to get into McAuliffe despite living two blocks away from the school, posted over the weekend that “those Stapleton schmucks won’t feel so superior when we have nuclear missiles pointed at their precious airport tower.”
The Greater Park Hill News also raised eyebrows with its most recent issue, which featured an “open letter to Stapleton” that described Stapleton residents as “savages” and “Smiley-stealing devils” and referenced the “drums of war.”
Rumors have also been circulating about Park Hill residents allegedly sending “measles blankets” to Stapleton families with unvaccinated fourth- and fifth-graders, but those claims have thus far proven impossible to confirm.
One thing is clear, however: Stapleton’s once squabbling neighborhoods, who not long ago were on the brink of civil war over elementary school preferences, have united decisively against the common enemy on the other side of Quebec Street.
“Those Park Hill ingrates have got a lot of nerve,” said Stapleton resident Chris McFarlane, who has a seventh-grade daughter at McAuliffe and a fifth-grade son set to join her in the fall. “They were all sending their kids to private schools, instead of Smiley, until DPS opened the boundary and moved Stapleton’s best middle school onto Smiley’s campus. Now they want to kick the Stapleton kids out, because suddenly they care about the sanctity of ‘neighborhood schools.’ Are you freakin’ kidding me?”
Jill Crowley, whose fifth-grader received her first choice of McAuliffe for next school year, agreed. “Within the space of nine months, they’ve gone from stealing our school to claiming that we stole their school,” she said. “It’s insane. And now with this nuclear program – just you watch. They’ll nuke Stapleton and then blame us when the fallout crosses Quebec.”
At press time, Forest City could not be reached for comment on reports that it is building a secret, nuke-proof underground bunker below the future King Soopers parking lot in Eastbridge.
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Hee hee. 🙂
My previous Stapletonion articles: