The Living Room Times

Last week, Fox News published a story (now scrubbed from their site, but available here) titled “Upcoming Military Robot Could Feed on Dead Bodies.” CNET News asked whether we’ve reached the “dawn of the corpse-eating robots,” while Fast Company mocked Fox for its “gleeful conjecture.”

Now, the manufacturer of the EVIL FLESH-EATING ROBOTS OF DEATH has responded with a press release (PDF) that is, well, pure liquid awesome:

In response to rumors circulating the internet on sites such as FoxNews.com, FastCompany.com and CNET News about a “flesh eating” robot project, Cyclone Power Technologies Inc. (Pink Sheets: CYPW) and Robotic Technology Inc. (RTI) would like to set the record straight: This robot is strictly vegetarian.

On July 7, Cyclone announced that it had completed the first stage of development for a beta biomass engine system used to power RTI’s Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot (EATR™), a Phase II SBIR project sponsored by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), Defense Sciences Office. RTI’s EATR is an autonomous robotic platform able to perform longrange, long-endurance missions without the need for manual or conventional re-fueling.

RTI’s patent pending robotic system will be able to find, ingest and extract energy from biomass in the environment. Despite the far-reaching reports that this includes “human bodies,” the public can be assured that the engine Cyclone has developed to power the EATR runs on fuel no scarier than twigs, grass clippings and wood chips – small, plant-based items for which RTI’s robotic technology is designed to forage. Desecration of the dead is a war crime under Article 15 of the Geneva Conventions, and is certainly not something sanctioned by DARPA, Cyclone or RTI.

“We completely understand the public’s concern about futuristic robots feeding on the human population, but that is not our mission,” stated Harry Schoell, Cyclone’s CEO. “We are focused on demonstrating that our engines can create usable, green power from plentiful, renewable plant matter. The commercial applications alone for this earth-friendly energy solution are enormous.”

Ah, but that’s how it always begins. To paraphrase Magneto: “No one ever talks about letting their flesh-eating robots feed on the human population. They just do it! And you go on with your lives, ignoring the signs all around you. And then one day, when the air is still and the night has fallen, the robots come for you.”

Or, to put it another way: First they came for twigs, and I said nothing, because I was not a twig. Then they came for the grass clippings, and I said nothing, because I was not a grass clipping. They they came for the wood chips…

P.S. Besides, even if this “Harry Schoell” character (who, let’s be honest, is probably a robot himself) is telling the truth, note carefully what he didn’t deny. He says his robots won’t “feed on the human population” … but will they feed on old people’s medicine?!? I think you and I both know the answer!!

(Hat tip: Wired, via Andrew Sullivan.)